Da Sonic Bomb

When a powerful weapon falls into the wrong hands, it’s up to the Executive Branch of the United States government to find the culprits and set things right. Full of surprises, this plot will have you on the edge of your seat until the very end.

Suggested Cast
There wasn’t a suggested cast so I made one up:
Christopher Walken as the President
Charlize Theron as the power-hungry hottie Presidential Aide
Karl Urban as the Vice President
Don Cheadle as the MIB guy
With an appearance by Scarlett Johanssen

Plot
A ruthless terrorist organization gets their hands on the sonic bomb, a weapon which can destroy life while leaving structures intact. When they use it on a major American city, it’s up to the President and his right-hand man to find and stop them before they spread their seeds of destruction.

Best Dialogue
PRESIDENT: What are you doing here?
VICE PRESIDENT: Taking care of business, sir. Making sure this all goes down the way we want.
PRESIDENT: First of all, it will go down the way I want, since I’m the president. Secondly, you’re the VP
and you pretty much are supposed to sit around and do nothing unless I die. Third, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE!?”
VICE PRESIDENT: This entire operation has been flawed from the start. There’s something going on here.
PRESIDENT: [all sinister] Of course there is.
VICE PRESIDENT: Mr. President, you are seriously starting to annoy the crap out of me.

Crowning Moment
The Vice President’s arrival at the secret base.

Final Analysis
This taut political thriller could be a smash. The combined talents of the suggested cast would be a huge draw to moviegoers of all generations and the surprising plot could totally get it an Oscar nod. With some good direction and quality production (no shitty green screen plz) this could sweep the Oscars the way “Crash” did that one year when it swept the Oscars. I’m no huge fan of political thrillers but I would not only watch this (especially with Karl Urban) I would buy the DVD so I could inflict it upon my loved ones. That’s how much faith I have in this political thriller.

The plot could use some fleshing out but that’s natural for a treatment. Overall, it’s got a lot of potential and each of the starring roles has plenty of time to act and to shine, which is a rarity these days. There’s a good balance of action and suspense and trust me, you won’t see what’s coming, coming.

I give “Da Sonic Bomb” five momspiders for having pretty awesome potential.

It's okay for this VP to shoot

That is it! Thank you for reading this series. It’s been a great exercise in writing daily and in writing something different than what I am usually scribbling about. I’ve had a lot of fun with this. Before I end it all (just the reviews!) I would like to rate the entire book. From start to finish this was a fun and entertaining read and it really pokes fun at Hollywood conventions, from formulaic plot twists to a hot chick in everything to Hollywood itself. It definitely does not take the movie industry seriously, and thank heaven because the industry takes itself way too seriously these days while turning out crap. I’d much rather watch any of these films because they’re fun, and that’s what the movies ought to be.

I give “Hi Hollywood” five momspiders, for carrying the fun torch.

Don't let her try to kiss you goodnight!

<3 With Stars,
Constella

Smurfs: The Real Story

If you grew up in my generation you knew the Smurfs. Knew them. You had a favorite, you had one you couldn’t stand, and you perhaps thought that little girl Smurf was pretty annoying what with her “Pappy Smurf Pappy Smurf” and wished Smurfette would show her how to be classy. Well, Smurf-classy. Let me revise my original statement: If you grew up in my generation you thought you knew the Smurfs. This mockumentary will blow the lid off the story of the community we all, in our impressionable childhoods, thought was true blue.

Interviewees
Gargamel
Papa Smurf
Smurfette

Subject Matter
As this is not a “movie” per se, it doesn’t have what one might term a plot. It’s a series of interviews with various Smurfs who were featured prominently on the show. Each interview shows the passage of time and fame and their effects on the persons interviewed, sometimes with saddening results.

Best Dialogue
SMURFETTE: [sounding like a chain-smoking drunken hick] Smurf you, smurfhole! Nah, C’mere smurfy, and let mama smurf you a real smurfin!
INTERVIEWER: [aroused] Oh? Um…can we turn off this tape?

Crowning Moment
Oh, that’d be the ending. 100%.

Final Analysis
It’s been said many times that the internet is a destroyer of childhood memories, beating them up and stealing their lunch money. It’s not hard to believe that without the internet nobody would be thinking of the Smurfs right now except possibly the Boomerang channel. Reading this treatment made me realize that childhood is a pure time, and should remain innocent, untainted, and untouched. I once aspired to be Smurfette, or just like her. No more. At the same time the venerable old Papa Smurf isn’t the Smurf I once thought him to be, and, well, there aren’t enough words to describe how pitiable Gargamel really is.

This one could go either way with awards. I think the one it won’t win is the Kids’ Choice Award though if done well and with the right cast it could easily rank high up on at least the Golden Globes nominations list.

I give this treatment five momspiders, for telling it like it is even though my memories of days gone by have been irrevocably changed by reading it.

This is why I don't wear white pumps

As promised (hey it’s still tomorrow and not the day after) here are TWO reviews. I said Thursday but I don’t know what got into me. I meant Wednesday. That’s how out of it I was yesterday. First up we have “Garbage Dude”, the action-packed tale of a garbage dude. Next is “Attack of the 80 Foot Hamster” which is a warm, endearing family film about a boy and his pet. Mostly his pet.

Garbage Dude

Everyone loves a good space battle. I know I do. “Garbage Dude” is just the sort of movie that would make a summer blockbuster. There’s action, romance, and Walken. The only thing this film needs is a guy to play Garbage Dude and a lot of green screen.

Suggested Cast
Christopher Walken as the alien
Charlize Theron as the “totally hot love interest”
The film’s would-be star is as yet undecided

Plot
Garbage Dude, a typical (movie) twentysomething with a(n actual) crappy job and a (movie) crappy apartment, stumbles upon an alien artifact which draws him into a vast web of alien conspiracy and may be humanity’s last hope.

Best Dialogue
HOT LOVE INTEREST: You have no idea what kind of trouble you are in.
GARBAGE DUDE: No way! This rules!
HOT LOVE INTEREST: No, it’s trouble, big trouble.
GARBAGE DUDE: What are you talking about? I’m just having a totally good time. See, it all started when I found this vibrator on my route…
HOT LOVE INTEREST: No, REAL big trouble. Space trouble.
GARBAGE DUDE: [all scared and everything] Space trouble? Like E.T. trouble or Independence Day trouble?
HOT LOVE INTEREST: [thinking] Something in between those two, but leaning towards the Independence Day one.
GARBAGE DUDE: Oh, man.

Crowning Moment
When the hot love interest kisses Garbage Dude, because she wants to.

Final Analysis
This movie, on the surface, might resemble any number of “alien-conspiracy” flicks, from “I Come in Peace” to any movie that comes from the X-Files franchise. What makes this different, however, is that unlike, for instance, the slacker in Megas XLR this guy’s employed and doesn’t seem to get the hang of the whole alien thing right away.

For the star, I’d love to see someone young and fresh in this role. WHile he’s a it young, Zac Efron would be great in this role, since he’s adorable and can make big, innocent eyes really well. Another, older choice is Karl Urban, because he is hot hot hot and would make the perfect counterpoint to Ms. Theron’s ethereal (even when not in this film) beauty. He might have to struggle a bit to pull off the Keanu-Reeves-esque “dorky” bits but he’s a fine actor and he could do it.

With the right special effects this one could win some awards. The space vibrator sounds like an interesting artifact and the pivotal telephone scene/wishes montage could really shine. Walken would likely win the Walken Award for the most Walken in a Walken Film, which really, he deserves.

The alien conspiracy plot is a teensy bit formulaic but with the right cast and director could be a box office hit. I give “Garbage Dude” three momspiders.

Karl Urban: One damn pretty Garbage Dude

—INTERMISSION—(Let’s go out to the lo-obby, let’s go out to the lo-obby, let’s go out to the lo-obbyyy and have ourselves a snack! OOOOO, WAH, OOOOOO, WAH!)—INTERMISSION—

Attack of the 80 Foot Hamster

Fewer things are more adorable than a child and his or her pet. This is evidenced by films like “Beethoven”, “Lilo and Stitch”, and “E.T.”. Bonus points if the pet is somehow a deformed or otherwise abnormal. It’s all heartwarming and stuff to see a kid, especially one that’s a textbook “movie reject”, finding that when human companions treat you like crap, your pet will love you.

Suggested Cast
Christopher Walken as The Guy Played by Christopher Walken
Charlize Theron as the hot chick
(Not listed but crucial)
Kid to play the Kid
Hamster to play Sherman

Plot
When a boy with a chemistry set takes his pet hamster’s advice, wacky hijinks and zany shenanigans ensue. Once the Army becomes involved, can what’s been made topsy-turvy be set right again?

Best Dialogue
KID: Sherman, I think you’re my only friend.
SHERMAN: [squeek]

Crowning Moment
The Army shows up and there’s a big plot twist.

Final Analysis
This treatment made me smile. As a parent, I have developed an affectation whereby I am a fan of goofy films which are billed, like this one would be, as fun for the whole family. In the role of the kid it would be nice to see a girl. Not just to see a girl character bonding with her hamster, but because it would be great to show that sometimes girls get punched in the face. Equal opportunity, people. Dakota Fanning’s too young anymore but that Noah Cyrus could swing this role. As for the hamster, any hamster will do as long as it’s adorable.

For being a sweet potential film with the right mix of action, kid-pet bonding, and a really smile-inducing surprise at the end I give this film four momspiders.

Kids and pets: both delicious with a little Grey Poupon

Tomorrow’s review will be “Smurfs: The Real Story”, a mockumentary which will bust wide open the real world of our childhood blue friends.

-Constella

Disaster

This one really surprised me.  I’m not a huge fan of disaster movies unless they contain a real human element and “Disaster” certainly does that.  The ending, while somewhat unexpected, is a real winner here, and makes me feel hope for both scientific advancement and people who live in not-Asia.

Suggested Cast
Christopher Walken puts in an appearance as the politically correct mayor of Los Angeles
Charlize Theron is the newscaster with the dirty mouth
Tommy Lee Jones shows up as Tommy Lee Jones In A Disaster Film
Don Cheadle is the real star of the film

Plot
An earthquake or something in Asia or something in Hawaii or something starts a chain of events leading to the imminent destruction of the City of Los Angeles.

Best Dialogue
TOMMY LEE JONES: Dude, remember that volcano from Volcano that I totally took care of? Well, it will probably erupt again because of that whole thing in the Orient.
MAYOR: What is this, 1900? You can’t say the Orient. It’s called Asia now.

Crowning Moment
That one’s a spoiler but it’s a beaut.

Final Analysis
There’s little that can be done with a disaster movie any more that brings it to the level of actual art. This treatment manages to do that by addressing the “ness” of Los Angeles and of Hollywood in particular, and bringing us to a place of utter disbelief and then pulling back to show us the larger, more relevant picture. The ending here is a shocker and ties the entire story together with a flourish, a bang, and a sequence you’ll never forget.

I feel that after their turns in “Brunch of the Dead” Walken and Theron would have turned in less than enthusiastic performances, potentially because they’re not featured as much in this film. Jones and particularly Cheadle, however, would be brilliant and heroic, getting Cheadle at the least an Oscar nomination and possibly, honestly, a Nobel Prize.

While I think Lee’s performance would be fine and of the quality expected of him, I feel Cheadle is underused in this treatment and deserves some speaking lines and perhaps a romance with Theron’s character.

This treatment rates four momspiders

MOAR CHEADLE

Tomorrow I will review “Garbage Dude”, which is probably self-explanatory.

Recently Sean Bonner and Allen Morgenstern published a book. A long long time ago on his very old website he published some stories of mine and I’ve never forgotten that or stopped stalking him. So when he told me about his book I jumped at the chance to be creepily internet-close to him for even just a few moments. You should go read it now- his book, I mean. Those stories are long gone (on my HD in a folder of shame). Its a free ebook called “Hi Hollywood” and it contains a grip (6) of entertaining movie treatments that Hollywood really should consider looking at but won’t because they have Michael Bay Disease. I can say with absolute truth that if this book were made into a special edition DVD set with all the films from this book contained therein, I would have it on my Amazon Wishlist several times so that I could inflict it on those I hold near and dear.

Since I promised at least twice that I would review this book here, I decided that I had better do it, and in a way that didn’t say “phoned it in because she had dishes to do and was in a rush” so I put the dishes on hold (they were already on hold since yesterday so I don’t think they care) and came to my computer. I’m a busy girl and acquiring even more busy as I plan for NaNoWriMo so I decided to spend some quality time with one treatment per day, which seems doable and will actually have me writing for 6 days in a row which you know I never do if you’ve been here before.

Without any more ado, ackadoo, or hoochie coochie coo, here is part 1 of my review of Sean Bonner and Allen Morgenstern’s “Hi Hollywood” in Technitext.

Brunch of the Dead

I don’t know a lot about script treatments. What I do know, however, is that I love Christopher Walken. He’s a man I am both frightened of and want to make out with at the same time. That being said, he’s the perfect casting choice for the main doctor. Charlize Theron as the hot nurse is also a great choice because she’s actually hot and wouldn’t have to tone down her looks to get Oscar cred in this film. Zombies are still hot hot hot in the movies right now and what with all of the zombie films being released there are new iterations all the time: fast zombies, smart zombies, (inexplicably) sexy zombies. Bonner and Morgenstern take it to a whole ‘nother level with this treatment which is ripe with potential.

Suggested Cast
Christopher Walken: doctor
Charlize Theron: hot nurse
For the oldsters or actors pretending to be oldsters I would love to see luminaries such as Jessica Tandy, Wilford Brimley, and that guy from the Six Flags commercials.

Plot
A seemingly mundane household appliance causes a seemingly strange thing to happen to seemingly dead (old) people.

Best Dialogue
OLD GUY #2: Darn thing’s broken.
OLD GUY: Did you push the buttons?
OLD GUY #2: I closed the door.
OLD LADY: Don’t fill the bathtub up past the middle or it will spill out and ruin my tiles!
OLD GUY: You have to press those buttons.
OLD GUY #2: [squinting towards the microwave] What do they say? Is there a soup button?

Crowning Moment
When they get the dead to raise their hands.

Final Analysis
Hollywood loves (at least) 3 things: Cute things, old people, and zombies. A fourth would be saving on production costs by using utter crap in whatever capacity they can but that’s neither here nor there. When I read this script I felt the love too, and I could hardly breathe when my heart swelled as I read about these cute old zombies. Actually old people generally don’t have their own teeth so perhaps the word here is nombies.

I predict this movie would earn Charlize Theron critical acclaim for playing the sympathetic nurse and earn Christopher Walken even more fearful respect than he already has. Surely the director of this film will win at least one Golden Globe and the stars accorded Oscar nods. It looks to be action-packed and comical, with the right amount of poignancy to balance it out. More than just a thrill ride, I think this film would be cathartic for doctors, hot nurses, and anyone who wanted to shoot an old person but didn’t have a good enough reason.

This treatment rates an astounding five momspiders:

Walken brings it hard in this treatment

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s review of “Disaster”, a movie with an ending that will make you cheer, throw popcorn, and weep with dismay that it isn’t really true.

(Momspider image courtesy of Goonigoogoo of Bigger than Cheeses, momspider rating images thanks to Sittingbear of Dust)