This is parts 3 and 4 of “Six Days of (Pestering) Hollywood”, my review of Bonner and Morgenstern’s “Hi Hollywood“, a free e-book (free as in beer) which is worth the read.
As promised (hey it’s still tomorrow and not the day after) here are TWO reviews. I said Thursday but I don’t know what got into me. I meant Wednesday. That’s how out of it I was yesterday. First up we have “Garbage Dude”, the action-packed tale of a garbage dude. Next is “Attack of the 80 Foot Hamster” which is a warm, endearing family film about a boy and his pet. Mostly his pet.
Garbage Dude
Everyone loves a good space battle. I know I do. “Garbage Dude” is just the sort of movie that would make a summer blockbuster. There’s action, romance, and Walken. The only thing this film needs is a guy to play Garbage Dude and a lot of green screen.
Suggested Cast
Christopher Walken as the alien
Charlize Theron as the “totally hot love interest”
The film’s would-be star is as yet undecided
Plot
Garbage Dude, a typical (movie) twentysomething with a(n actual) crappy job and a (movie) crappy apartment, stumbles upon an alien artifact which draws him into a vast web of alien conspiracy and may be humanity’s last hope.
Best Dialogue
HOT LOVE INTEREST: You have no idea what kind of trouble you are in.
GARBAGE DUDE: No way! This rules!
HOT LOVE INTEREST: No, it’s trouble, big trouble.
GARBAGE DUDE: What are you talking about? I’m just having a totally good time. See, it all started when I found this vibrator on my route…
HOT LOVE INTEREST: No, REAL big trouble. Space trouble.
GARBAGE DUDE: [all scared and everything] Space trouble? Like E.T. trouble or Independence Day trouble?
HOT LOVE INTEREST: [thinking] Something in between those two, but leaning towards the Independence Day one.
GARBAGE DUDE: Oh, man.
Crowning Moment
When the hot love interest kisses Garbage Dude, because she wants to.
Final Analysis
This movie, on the surface, might resemble any number of “alien-conspiracy” flicks, from “I Come in Peace” to any movie that comes from the X-Files franchise. What makes this different, however, is that unlike, for instance, the slacker in Megas XLR this guy’s employed and doesn’t seem to get the hang of the whole alien thing right away.
For the star, I’d love to see someone young and fresh in this role. WHile he’s a it young, Zac Efron would be great in this role, since he’s adorable and can make big, innocent eyes really well. Another, older choice is Karl Urban, because he is hot hot hot and would make the perfect counterpoint to Ms. Theron’s ethereal (even when not in this film) beauty. He might have to struggle a bit to pull off the Keanu-Reeves-esque “dorky” bits but he’s a fine actor and he could do it.
With the right special effects this one could win some awards. The space vibrator sounds like an interesting artifact and the pivotal telephone scene/wishes montage could really shine. Walken would likely win the Walken Award for the most Walken in a Walken Film, which really, he deserves.
The alien conspiracy plot is a teensy bit formulaic but with the right cast and director could be a box office hit. I give “Garbage Dude” three momspiders.
Karl Urban: One damn pretty Garbage Dude
—INTERMISSION—(Let’s go out to the lo-obby, let’s go out to the lo-obby, let’s go out to the lo-obbyyy and have ourselves a snack! OOOOO, WAH, OOOOOO, WAH!)—INTERMISSION—
Attack of the 80 Foot Hamster
Fewer things are more adorable than a child and his or her pet. This is evidenced by films like “Beethoven”, “Lilo and Stitch”, and “E.T.”. Bonus points if the pet is somehow a deformed or otherwise abnormal. It’s all heartwarming and stuff to see a kid, especially one that’s a textbook “movie reject”, finding that when human companions treat you like crap, your pet will love you.
Suggested Cast
Christopher Walken as The Guy Played by Christopher Walken
Charlize Theron as the hot chick
(Not listed but crucial)
Kid to play the Kid
Hamster to play Sherman
Plot
When a boy with a chemistry set takes his pet hamster’s advice, wacky hijinks and zany shenanigans ensue. Once the Army becomes involved, can what’s been made topsy-turvy be set right again?
Best Dialogue
KID: Sherman, I think you’re my only friend.
SHERMAN: [squeek]
Crowning Moment
The Army shows up and there’s a big plot twist.
Final Analysis
This treatment made me smile. As a parent, I have developed an affectation whereby I am a fan of goofy films which are billed, like this one would be, as fun for the whole family. In the role of the kid it would be nice to see a girl. Not just to see a girl character bonding with her hamster, but because it would be great to show that sometimes girls get punched in the face. Equal opportunity, people. Dakota Fanning’s too young anymore but that Noah Cyrus could swing this role. As for the hamster, any hamster will do as long as it’s adorable.
For being a sweet potential film with the right mix of action, kid-pet bonding, and a really smile-inducing surprise at the end I give this film four momspiders.
Kids and pets: both delicious with a little Grey Poupon
Tomorrow’s review will be “Smurfs: The Real Story”, a mockumentary which will bust wide open the real world of our childhood blue friends.